You are my hardest entry. I want for all that is in my brain about you as husband, father, son, brother, friend to just transfer into yours. I want you to know the role you play in my life. You represent, you are so many things to me and I never tell you … instead I feel at times I am mean, bitchy even….
Yet there are things I want more of. Is that greedy, is that selfish?? Biggest of all is connection. I want us to connect more (not how your mind is probably thinking) emotionally, mentally. I feel we are sometimes disconnected as in our parenting, in our priorities …. Yet other times feel we are so perfectly in sync. Guess that is part of the process. What do you think? Really… This is another thing I want. I want to know what you really think about our bella, about your job as a father, about your hopes and expectations and mostly your fears … because I have a whole crap ton of them. I want to know why you like to be distracted …. I don’t think these are bad wants, I think they come from wanting to grow in our next phase as a couple. WE are such a strong couple, we make this love thing work and make it look easy and honestly its pretty easy for me and I think for you. The us part is never questioned, I trust you with my everything and love the stability, consistency and simplicity you bring to my crazy brain. Your humor and sarcasm are a mixed bag, really it’s a love hate sometimes …. But I would never change it, it suits you, it defines you really. It suits us and its carrying over to our baby which I love even more.
My fears … oh that will have to wait to next entry … because that cathartic event will be monumental…. Your recent trip to Korea has re-sparked by fears of life without you, life without me or biggest yet is life without her (which is just not going to happen … right??? )
