What a morbid thought. What a fear to carry around. I hate it yet I love it on many levels. There are mornings like today where I wake up afraid, with ruminating thoughts on my mind of the “ifs” of life. What if I don’t wake in the morning? What if there is a terrible accident? What if I get cancer? What if daddy gets sick or hurt? These my love are the worries of your mommy, the ultimate being what if I die tonight or tomorrow? This drives so very much of what I do, say, choose. So so much.
My deepest fear is that you will lose a parent. Daddy and I have worked hard to give you an amazing, fun, balanced and hopefully enriching life in these past 6 years. There is no better accomplishment of mine than watching you grow and change. It is my greatest love, my true devotion.
Sometimes I get frustrated and I yell or raise my voice towards you. It instantly hurts me and I see that it has hurt or scared you too. That frustration is really about me. Me feeling guilty for not doing more or teaching you more or loving you more. I take my guilt out on you. Weird huh. Its true though. The reality is if I died tonight I would want you to remember only happy memories with me, not me yelling or scolding you, not me disciplining or punishing you. Life is too short to waste on petty negatives, petty things that make me unhappy like you not putting away some clothes or singing too loudly or screaming in protest because you don’t like wearing tights. These behaviors you do are just that behaviors, actions you have chosen in a given moment motivated by a thought a feeling, some impulsive, some well-planned. Mommy is the same. I make choices, I act I behave and sometimes I like what I do and sometimes I’m sad or frustrated with my choices. I want you to know that I love you and every action, though potentially hurtful to your ego or your heart is driven by love, my deep love for you.
I woke this morning at 400am to use the bathroom, I had a dull pain in my underarm last night and its still there this morning. I begin to worry to google what the causes could be. Scary bad habit to have. Cancer of the lymph nodes, pulled muscle, shingles or and infection. Wow quite the possibilities. Of course only one stands out to me. Cancer. Your grandpa died from cancer of the liver. You grandma has had a 2 struggles with breast cancer. Its not the cancer I’m afraid of. Its not getting to be with you. To witness your life. To cheer you on. To encourage you. To counsel you. To hug you as you cry or when you are filled with joy. To show you love everyday and to receive your love when you choose to share it. I write these words in hopes that one day you will get to read them and to understand them and that they will help you cope with life. I write them as a memory of me. Of the things I want you to know but may not get the change to tell you.